


and this silence is full (of everything I haven’t said)

by lost_n_stereo



Series: Bellarke Prompt Fills/Drabbles 2017 [4]
Category: The 100
Genre: 4x06 headcanon fic, Dad!Kane, F/M, broody!Bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 04:16:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10528776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_n_stereo/pseuds/lost_n_stereo
Summary: The words sit on the tip of his tongue, unsaid but not unfelt, and he wishes like hell he could turn around and go back to her. Tell her how he feels, finally be selfish for once in his life, because the fact is that time is running out and if you can’t tell the person you love how you feel when the world is about to end then when in the hell can you?It’s easy to admit this simple truth in his head.He loves her.He’s in love with her.





	

He drives back alone, nothing but the roar of the rover’s engine to drown out his thoughts.

More specifically, one thought. One sentence rolling around in his brain as he tries to make sense of it.

“If I don’t see you again…”

He furrows his eyebrows, taking a left turn on the road back to Arkadia, as he thinks about the ending of that statement.

“…thank you for keeping me alive too.”

“…thank you for being there when no one else was.”

Or maybe…

“If I don’t see you again…I love you.”

The words sit on the tip of his tongue, unsaid but not unfelt, and he wishes like hell he could turn around and go back to her. Tell her how he feels, finally be selfish for once in his life, because the fact is that time is running out and if you can’t tell the person you love how you feel when the world is about to end then when in the hell can you?

It’s easy to admit this simple truth in his head.

He loves her.

He’s _in love_ with her.

But no one knows because he’s afraid. Afraid of loving someone that doesn’t love him back. Afraid of sharing his feelings and getting rejected.

Afraid that maybe he’s just unlovable.

His own sister wants nothing to do with him. He’s made mistakes; he’s hurt people including people he cares about. Why would someone like that deserve anything good in this world?

He loved his mother but it didn’t help. He loved Gina and look where that got her.

He loves his sister more than he loves himself and she can’t even look at him.

So maybe it’s for the best, he thinks as he pulls through the gates of Arkadia, it’s ashen walls a reminder of how truly screwed they all really are.

Maybe it’s for the best because if he loves Clarke he can only imagine what it’s going to do to her.

***

He’s trying to sleep the exhaustion of the day away when his walkie sounds from the little table next to his bed.

The bed he’s been tossing and turning in for hours because there’s still no word from Clarke.

“Bellamy? Can you meet me in the chancellor’s office?”

Kane.

This is it, he thinks, his heart speeding up. _Something bad has happened to Clarke._

But then he realizes that if that was the case Kane wouldn’t sound calm and he wouldn’t be contacting Bellamy over the radio. Kane knows enough that if something happened to Clarke, he’d come tell him face to face.

He shudders, thoughts of a white canvas body bag floating, and even though it wasn’t Clarke it could have been.

Damn it, why did he leave her alone. They know they are better together.

“Give me five,” he says into his radio, his feet already slipping into his boots.

Kane is sitting at his desk when he walks in, his head resting on his hands and his eyes closed.

It’s uncomfortable watching another man regroup so Bellamy clears his throat, causing Kane to look up in surprise.

“Bellamy, sorry I just needed to shut my eyes for a few minutes.”

He doesn’t say anything, just nods and takes a seat on the couch where he slept semi peacefully only a few days ago. It probably had something to do with that fact that Clarke was a few feet away, safe and sound.

“Have you heard from Clarke?”

His voice cracks on her name and if Kane notices he doesn’t comment.

“They made it to the island. She radioed in not long ago.”

“How long is not long ago?” He sits up straighter, his arms resting on his knees. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Kane chuckles and leans back in his chair, his posture calm while Bellamy’s is rigid. Alert. “I wanted to give you time to rest, son. Clarke is fine. She’s with Abby.”

Bellamy notices the softness in the older man’s voice when he mentions Abby and he suspects he sounds similar whenever he brings up Clarke.

“Thank you,” he says. “For letting me know. I was worried…”

“Of course you were,” Kane says with a smile. “The Griffin women seem to have that effect on us. Don’t they, Bellamy?”

The question pointed, barely even a question at all, and Bellamy nods.

“It appears that they do,” he says quietly and he turns his head to stare out the window. “I think I…”

“Son.” Bellamy turns at the brisk tone of Kane’s voice but he’s smiling. “Don’t tell me before you tell her.”

He lets out something between a breath and a laugh and nods. “You’re right.” He doesn’t bother denying it because he can’t. “What if she…”

“She won’t.”

“How do you know?”

Kane smiles like he’s remembering something. “Because I asked myself the very same question about Abby. And I have eyes,” he says with a laugh.

Bellamy cracks a smile. “I should probably try to get some sleep.”

“Yes, of course.” Kane stands up when Bellamy does, reaches over and claps a hand on his shoulder. “Just remember. You deserve happiness, Bellamy. Whether it’s with Clarke or not. You deserve love.”

Those words echo around his head when he’s back in his room, his eyes trained on the dark ceiling.

You deserve love.

He wants to believe it’s true. More than anything he wants to think that there’s more to life than violence and war. A time when he can reach over for someone’s hand just because he wants to feel their skin against his. A warm body next to him at night and a smile to wake up to every morning.

And when he closes his eyes, it’s always Clarke there next to him. Golden hair shining in the sunlight, lips curved into a perfect smile.

He decides then and there that as soon as he sees her again, he’ll tell her. Not because they are on borrowed time but because he wants her to know.

He’ll tell her, even though he’s afraid. Maybe she’ll say it back. Maybe she’ll need time. Maybe she won’t feel the same.

But at least she’ll know.

His eyes drift closed to thoughts of her face, warming his skin and calming his soul, and he knows that no matter what, he’s going to be alright.


End file.
